


With So Little to Be Sure Of

by theoofoof



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Fix-It, Songfic, post ep
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-04
Updated: 2018-06-04
Packaged: 2019-05-18 07:43:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14848578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theoofoof/pseuds/theoofoof
Summary: Rafael reflects on his decision to 'move on' at the end of 'The Undiscovered Country'





	With So Little to Be Sure Of

**Author's Note:**

> I recently heard Raul sing 'With So Little to Be Sure Of' (from Sondheim's 'Anyone Can Whistle') and the words just screamed Barson after S19E13 and they just haven't left me alone, demanding this fic was written.

Rafael Barba sat amongst the lush evergreen plantings and walls of climbing ivy, watching the water cascade down the granite-faced wall. The waterfall in Greenacre Park had been his go-to place for reflection and contemplation ever since he moved to Manhattan six years ago. Rita Calhoun, who had been working in the borough for a few years in the private sector, had turned him onto it, knowing that he often needed a quiet place to go and think.

It was hard to find quiet places in a city as full of hustle and bustle as New York, but early in the morning, or late in the afternoon as it was now, the crowds thinned and dispersed. The unseasonably cold weather helped – people preferred to be inside. But Rafael didn’t mind. The miserable weather mirrored his feelings.

The barista of the coffee shop walked past, clearing the few tables that had been used in the past hour. Rafael glanced at his watch, 5.45. The park would be closing soon. Downing the bitter dregs of his coffee, he stood and threw the take-out cup in the bin. As he did, his phone skipped to the next track in his random playlist. He recognised it instantly; it was from one of the first musicals he’d seen on Broadway. It was ironic really; that the end of his time in the city should be marked by such a stark reminder of the beginning.

 _With so little to be sure of_  
_If there's anything at all_  
_If there's anything at all_  
_I'm sure of here and now and us together_

The lyrics were rather appropriate too, he thought. There wasn’t much in his life to be sure of at the moment.

His life was falling apart; he had no job, which meant no apartment once the money ran out. His colleagues had deserted him, his family had disowned him - his mother had called him twice since the news broke; once to see if it was true and – after he confirmed it was – to ask what the hell he’d been thinking and another to tell him she would not be attending his trial; that while she didn’t agree with his actions, she didn’t think she could bear to be in the courtroom, to see him ripped apart. He suspected that was an excuse as she hadn’t contacted him since the verdict. He’d called her when he got out of court, but she hadn’t answered, so he’d left a message with his new cell phone number, telling her that he was leaving town.

His friends had turned their backs on him too. Most of them, anyway. Rita was standing by him – once she’d gotten over the fact that he’d hired Dworkin as his defence attorney rather than her. And then there was Liv. His best friend. The woman who had gone to bat for him, who had taken a leave of absence from work to be at his trial every day. Every. Single. Day. The one who had hugged him, and held on for dear life, after the forewoman had uttered those two words. Not guilty.

In the midst of the car wreck that was his life right now, she was the one constant. The one who had stood by him.

 _All I'll ever be I'll owe you_  
_If there's anything to be_  
_Being sure enough of you_  
_Makes me sure enough of me_

She’d changed him. Oh, he’d resisted, but she’d weaselled her way into his world and flipped it on its axis. He used to see the world in black and white – he was Gary Cooper in High Noon. It was crystal clear to him who the good guys and bad guys were. But then he’d met her, with her strength, passion and empathy. And she’d changed him. She’d opened his heart. The black and white had become shades of grey and then, one by one, the colours had begun to creep in.

Cool, calming colours first. Blues, representing the trust and loyalty of their professional relationship, and then greens, as that relationship grew into friendship. Before long, there were warmer colours. Yellows for happiness, red for passion, desire and then finally pink as the love he felt for Olivia blossomed.

And, despite the uncertainty of his life now, she was the one thing he could rely on. But he was spiralling. If he was honest he had been for a while now. His moral compass had been going haywire for weeks. And he couldn’t – wouldn’t – take her down with him. She’d already risked enough by standing up to Stone and McCoy, by publicly supporting him.

Given his current mental state, it would be better for her if he walked away. For Noah too. Olivia might have changed him, but Noah – the little boy who had accepted him unconditionally, despite his awkwardness and inexperience with children – he’d played his part too. Calling him ‘Uncle Rafa’, claiming him. Hugging him. It had softened him, made him imagine things that he had no business imagining. Being a father. Building a life with Liv and Noah. Being a family.

But that was all gone now. Even if Olivia could ever reciprocate his feelings, he was not fatherhood material. He’d been in the business long enough to know that a not-guilty verdict did not mean innocent. The events of the past several weeks would haunt him forever – the joys of the modern, technological age. Every time anyone googled him for the rest of his life, longer even, they would see the headlines – _BARBA THE BABYKILLER_ – read the stories. He would not put Noah in a situation where he could be bullied because of choices he had made.

So he had walked away to protect them both. He’d stood outside the courthouse where he’d first met her and told her the impact that she’d had on his life. She’d sensed there was more that he wasn’t saying, which of course there was – he didn’t think he’d have been able to walk away if he’d used the L-word. It broke his heart to do it as it was. But he’d pushed through. Kissed her on the forehead and told her that he had to move on.

But no matter where he moved to, no matter the distance he put between them, he knew he would never forget either of them.

 _Thanks for everything we did_  
_Everything that's past, every thing's that's over too fast_  
_None of it was wasted, all of it will last_  
_Everything that's here and now and us together_

They’d been through a hell of a lot together in the five – no six - years they’d worked together. Good times and bad. She’d stood by him, through the scandal with Alex and the whole Astonja debacle, supported him through the death of his grandmother. He didn’t know how he would have gotten through that without her.

He’d returned the favour, supporting her through the aftermath of her abduction and the trial, and then more recently through the appearance of Noah’s biological grandmother. She confided in him quite early on in their friendship about her hopes and dreams for a family. And he couldn’t have been happier for her when Judge Linden had given her the opportunity to be a mother. He’d been there when she’d discovered the identity of his biological father and he’d stood by her decision to be honest – even when he vehemently disagreed with it. His reward; being invited to celebrate Noah’s adoption, an honorary ‘uncle-ship’ and of course, her happiness.

That hadn’t been the only disagreement they’d had. They were both experienced and passionate – not to mention stubborn. There had been several occasions where they’d been on opposite sides of an argument; the police shooting grand jury, Tucker, the Samra case to name but a few. They’d always found their way back to each other though, and their friendship had survived – in some cases it had even become stronger.

He wouldn’t change a moment. Except perhaps the last couple of weeks. And he would treasure the time that they had spent together, both the good and the bad. It would stay with him, as would the impact of knowing Olivia, and her son.

 _It was marvellous to know you and it isn’t really through_  
_Crazy business this, this life we live in_  
_Can't complain about the time we're given_  
_With so little to be sure of in this world._

Conscious of the time, Rafael turned to leave but stopped dead, breath rushing from his body, as his eyes fell on the person standing on the entrance steps.

“Liv.” Her name fell from his lips in a hoarse whisper.

She approached him slowly as if moving too quickly would startle him and cause him to run. He didn’t think he could move, even if he wanted to. His legs suddenly felt as if they were made of lead. His arms still worked though, and he reached up and pulled his earbuds out of his ears.

“I thought I might find you here,” she commented. She’d been to his apartment first and upon getting no answer, had let herself in using the key he’d given her for emergencies. The sight of stacks of clearly labelled cardboard boxes had almost brought her to her knees. He’d told her he had to move on but seeing his life packed away brought the reality of that statement crashing down on her.

Rafael shook his head at her comment. He should have known she’d look here for him! One of the drawbacks of having close friends was that the things you confided in could come back and bite you when things went sour.

He’d called her from here the afternoon after his abuelita’s death. He’d taken his mother home and then come straight here; needing the peace and quiet. When the silence had become too much, to oppressive, his fingers had dialled her phone number. She’d come – pushing Noah in his stroller – and as the little boy had slept the afternoon away, she had held him and whispered words of reassurance and comfort. She’d found him here on several times since then; on those occasions where she knew – instinctively – that he would need the calmness and serenity that this place provided him.

He opened his mouth to speak but no words came out. He gave a slight shrug as an acknowledgement that he’d heard her.

“This place is always so beautiful,” she commented, looking around. “I could spend hours here.”

“Yeah, well they’re closing in five.” Rafael mentally cursed himself – of all the things to say when he found his voice, he chose to comment on that!

Olivia shook her head, gesturing to the park attendant stood by the gate. “I told him it was official police business.”

“Great. He probably thinks I’m some sort of criminal.” His attempt at a joke fell flat, and Rafael sighed. “Which I suppose I am.”

“ _Rafa!_ ”

“I may have been found not guilty, but I still took a life.” He ran a hand through his hair. “What are you doing here, Liv? I said all I had to say this morning.” He cursed inwardly again, this time at the sharpness of his tone. He didn’t want to hurt her, but at the same time, he wasn’t sure his own heart could handle another exchange with her.

“Good. You can just listen then.” He opened his mouth, but she cut him off, holding up a hand. “You had your turn this morning, now it’s mine. You talked about me changing you, but you… you changed me too. Before you, I didn’t let many people in… I built these walls. But you scaled those before I even realised it. You… You helped me build a family. You were a part of that family. I thought that…” She trailed off, wondering if the next words would be too much, before deciding that she really didn’t have anything left to lose. He was already leaving. “I thought the three of us; you, me, Noah could be…” Tears stung her eyes as the thought of losing him, of losing her dream took hold once more.

His gaze snapped to hers. “W-what are you saying, Liv?”

“That we might one day actually be a family.” Olivia took a deep breath. She was pretty certain, given his speech earlier that her feelings would be reciprocated, but it was still a little scary to be the one to say it first, especially when he still seemed set on leaving. “I love you, Rafael Barba.” She paused for a moment, allowing her words to sink in.

His eyes widened. “Liv-”

“And I am not prepared to throw away what we could have, just because you’re feeling sorry for yourself or worse, trying to be noble.”

She didn’t try to hide the touch of irritation in her voice. He’d left her stood on a cold, snowy New York street, after almost but not quite declaring his love. A little annoyance was allowed.

“I wasn’t trying to be-” He began, but she raised an eyebrow, challenging him and he backed down. “Well, maybe a little.” He gave her a sad smile, accompanied by a slight shrug. “I’m no good for you and Noah… I don’t know that I ever was, but I’m definitely not now.”

“I think that’s for me and Noah to decide, don’t you?” She stepped into him, closing the gap between them. She reached for his hand. “Stay.”

He searched her face for signs of sympathy or pity but found nothing but pure love in her eyes. The more he looked at her, the less he wanted to leave. She was a steadying presence – his anchor in the storm of life. Their professional relationship may be over, but their friendship didn’t have to be. They could carve a new path together; a different path full of love and happiness. If he could take that leap of faith.

“We want you to stay,” Liv continued. “We _need_ you to stay.”

Swallowing the lump in his throat, Rafael manoeuvred his hand and interlaced his fingers with hers. “Always,” he whispered.

She smiled a teary smile and reached her free hand up to cup his cheek. “Always,” she agreed, leaning in and capturing his lips with hers.

 _We had a moment, a marvellous moment_  
_A marvellous moment!_  
_A beautiful time_  
_None of it was wasted_  
_All of it will last_

 _Everything that's here and now and us together_  
_It was marvellous to know you_  
_And it's never really through._  
_Crazy business this, this life we live in,_  
_Can't complain about the time we're given,_  
_With so little to be sure of in this world,_

 _Hold me._  
_Hold me._


End file.
